Okay, this whole "back to school" thing is really getting to me! I see it everywhere--at stores, in magazines, on Facebook...people are heading back to school. I, alas, am not. My four years at CSB/SJU were absolutely amazing. They were difficult, fun, heartbreaking, and life-changing. I met the most wonderful people, many of whom I will never see again. I grew in ways I never would have foreseen (me?! Lead songs?! By myself?!). I learned so much, not just in classes, but about other people, about myself, and about the world. That's what college is for, yes? So, why does the experience have to stop after four years? (Because financial aid only lasts four years.) I'm truly jealous of the students who get to go back.
When I graduated from high school, I was so ready to get out. I was way more mature than the sophomores who thought they were God's gifts to the world, I was psyched about going to St. Ben's. Now...the future's not bleak, but it feels that way sometimes. The trip to Europe was fantastic, and I miss it a lot. I've been trying to arrange my life right now in a way that makes me happy, but I am cursed to dwell on the past (history major). I remember late-night roommate chats. I remember being in the presence of truly gifted people, shaping and sharing their gifts. I remember feeling independent and confident. College was just this awesome bubble that challenged me without making me feel abandoned. Real life was kept at bay by things like papers and finals and honors theses. I know that many people look back on college as the best years of their lives, and I can understand from where they're coming. I don't want to always look back. I want to look forward. I want to look at right now and be happy with where I am, who I am, and what's happening. I know I'll get there eventually, but I thought maybe I would have gotten there by now. But right now my life is just a cycle of frantically trying to scrape up as many hours at Byerly's as possible and attempting to squeeze in fun to keep me sane. I'm trying to organize things at home so they have more of a sense of permanency, but I'm still looking for a way out.
One day at a time, I guess. Baby steps. But I still wish I were going back to campus.
I totally agree with you about the Back to School blues. It's slowly dawning on me that I'm done, and I don't know what to do with myself. As much as I complained about it, I loved homework and classes. It gave me structure. And heck, I'd been doing it for many years that I was totally in control of the situation and knew how to act and perform. But now, there's no guidance, no grades, no chapel! And while it's fun to now have endless possibilities, it's kinda daunting to have to pick my path. What if it's the wrong one?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling sad. So, I think we should get together sometime and make each other happy :D
Love you!